What is love?
Love is probably the topic most discussed, talked about and analyzed of all times: books, songs, and movies. Love is mentioned everywhere.
Yet we know so little about this topic. Like we have almost no clue.
And I think a big part of the problem is that we struggle to define “love”.
Hence, we misunderstand it as well.
Most of the time we mistake love with desire, attachment, and possession.
I have been also mistaken, for a long time, but then I finally understood the difference between love and possession, but only after I could experience real love myself.
So here is where I think the mistake begins:
When a new person crosses our path we check her like we have an imaginary grocery list of our needs:
✓ Beauty – You got it
✓ Brain – Is working
✓ Good job – Present
✓ Sex – Is fine
✓ Family-oriented – Oh perfect
You meet my needs, then I love you.
You don’t meet my needs then I don’t love you.
So is love a transaction in which if we meet each other needs we will also love each other? Is it that simple? Or.. is that simply wrong?
You mistake love with possession when subconsciously or not you act in a way that your happiness and your needs come first and your relationship becomes only about how your partner can make you feel good.
And that’s not love, it’s a selfish dependency.
What’s worse, it creates, fear, jealousy, a breeding ground for controlling and manipulation.
The result is that you wanna keep this person in your life simply because it reflects your list of expectations and because you need her in order to be happy.
Once again, this is not love, it is possession.
I think this quote expresses perfectly the difference between love and possession:
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it dies and it ceases to be what you love. If you love a flower let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.”
It means that if you really love a flower you take care of it in order to make it become what it was designed to be. Not what you need it to be.
Real love requires freedom, trust, and understanding.
It doesn’t require you to own the other person and to force her in your life just because it makes you feel good.
Love says: “I want you to be happy”
Possession says: “I want you to make me happy”
I truly believe that you can immediately understand when you meet the one, your soul mate or whatever you wanna call it. This happens when you can look at this person and find her perfect as she is even in her imperfections. Without any need for change or adapt. Both from her side and also your side.
The truth is that you can love, but really love, someone with your whole heart, without having them to be “yours” neither to be changed.
Lastly, I think it’s easy to say you love someone until this person is in your life and makes you feel good and happy.
Much harder is to love someone and be eventually also able to step back if it’s necessary and let her go if it’s for her good.
If you really love someone you want them to be happy, even if this could cause you unhappiness. Even if this could mean not keeping your flower with you.
Love shouldn’t exist inside you because of another person.
A couple should both love themself first and only at that point can be able to experience real love for each other.
In that way, if you will split from your beloved one you will still have love because you have cultivated it first inside yourself and you won’t feel bad because to love your ex can also mean to give her space to find happiness without you.
I know is hard.
But fear is what makes people hop from relationship to relationship because it’s a little less scary when you are not alone. Fear is what causes us to want to change the people around us according to our needs instead of accepting them as they are. Fear is the opposite of love and love cannot exist where fear exists. Since possession is based on fear, there can be no love in possession.
And if your love can overcome also the fear it means that your love is real.
Remember, if you love a flower you don’t pick it up.
Because once you pick it up it will be beautiful for a few days and then will die ceasing to be what you love. So if you love a flower, water it, appreciate it and let it be what is meant to be – with or without you.
The only people up at 3 am are in love, lonely, drunk,
or all three.